


Really Far From the Madding Crowd

by Idonquixote



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Humor, Interspecies Romance, M/M, One Shot, Sebastian is a saiyan, Sebastian is a saiyan from planet Vegeta, kind of, no really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 16:09:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4793918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idonquixote/pseuds/Idonquixote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Bard is just an average cowboy-turned-farmhand trying to make his living on the English countryside. Sebastian is just an average bloodlusting alien trying to find the most efficient way to blow up the Earth. Clearly, they were meant for each other.</p><p>Otherwise known as the Attempted Earthen Conquest of 1889.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Really Far From the Madding Crowd

**Author's Note:**

> So here's another Bard/Sebastian piece I randomly thought of! And yes, my tags are correct- Sebastian is a saiyan in this haha. Dragon Ball Z references apply. Compared with Downstairs Accidents, this one is a fluff fest.

The birds were chirping and the breeze was singing. The sunlight hit the leaves in perfect harmonious angles and a soft edge of light blended with the shadows of clean grass blades. All in all, it was a beautiful piece of scenery, complete with a pure blue sky. It was almost a shame that he was going to destroy it all with a wave of his hand.

According to the scanner on his left eye, there were no particularly strong inhabitants on this planet nor was there a source their empire lacked. He scoffed and walked on, squirrels scrambling to avoid the crunch of his yellow-tipped boots. This mission really was a waste of his skills, and to think he had traveled all the way over here too. Black armor shifted as he marched. Well, he was a mere lower class servant after all. 

He stopped at the top of a steep hill and adjusted the gauntlets. There, that field down there would make a nice target- the fire that ensued would be aesthetically pleasing as well. He pointed his palm and waited for the energy to converge-

"Hey!"

He paused the attack and turned. The newcomer's power level was a measly 20, according to the numbers on the scanner. It was a native of the planet, dressed in a plain beige shirt, unbuttoned at the front, and a dirty pair of brown coveralls. And he did not look pleased. The man stomped towards him, a burning stick between his teeth, a rounded hat on his head.

"Who the hell are you!?" the native demanded, taking on a defensive posture.

Blue eyes, yellow hair. He inspected the odd features- the color was natural, the fuzz on his chin was telling enough. His kind was a race of a dark haired, dark eyed people. Bright eyes, especially, were rare to see in that galaxy.

"And what's with that ridiculous getup, huh, pal?" 

Well, well, this was a rude one. His tail unfurled from his side and flicked to and fro from agitation. That gave the native pause.

"What're you doing now!? What- what is that-"

The native actually looked a bit disgusted. Oh, this would be fun. He walked up to the man and let the tail tickle his fuzzy chin, making the latter yelp. And then the native struck out, fist slamming into his cheek. Only to cry out in pain and blow his reddening knuckles.

"You made of metal or somethin'- what in the hell-"

If his research was correct, this was English. Though the garbled accent of the native could have fooled him. 

"Where am I?" he said, the syllables strange on his tongue. The tail continued to flick.

"Shit, so now ya talk! I'll tell you where you are- old Sam Huntington's farm, property of Earl Phantomhive, and you better not be asking for trouble!"

"That was specific, but it tells me nothing."

Before the native could yell again, he lifted him by the collar and held him quite effortlessly while the other struggled in his iron grip. "Now, where am I? Coordinates, perhaps? The nation? City? This is Earth, correct?"

"London, England, Earth, whatever! Holy hell!  _What are you_!?"

He smirked. "I'm just a hell of a soldier." And with that, he released the native. "So, tell me..."

"Name's Bardroy."

"-Bardroy, why shouldn't I destroy this planet here and now?" For extra effect, he pointed a palm at the nearest tree and shot out a beam of light. The tree turned to ashes and Bardroy gaped.

"What the- shit." Bardroy scrambled to his feet, pulling out a weapon from his coveralls. He fired five consecutive shots, fast and accurate- impressive for a native. But they bounced harmlessly off the armor. One crumpled against his forehead, not even bruising. 

"While this has been entertaining, I must put an end to this planet, and by extension, you. Goodbye, Bardroy." He raised his hand to fire once more when Bardroy took him by surprise. The man shot up from the ground, discarded the weapon, and threw himself at his attacker's torso- it obviously did nothing to budge him but it did give Bardroy enough time to yank on the only thing he could: the tail.

The hand slackened, his surroundings impossibly blurry, and the ground spinning beneath him. Bardroy- was that the name?- had a tight grip. He found himself eye-level with the grass soon enough and then the dirt, and then the- night?

* * *

The creature was going to wake up soon. Bard was sure of that. It'd been a miracle that he could take the guy out in the first place- and all he had to do was grab that freaky tail. Disgusting. But then he'd been left in a corner- instinct told him to report this to old Sam and logic told him not to. It's not like they could do anything against the freak anyway. Shit. Didn't he want to blow up the planet or something?

So Bard half-dragged, half carried the stranger into his excuse of a cottage instead, an old shed allotted by Sam. He wasn't so tough in a coma, not that it would last long. The eyelids already showed signs of waking. Bard had considered killing him with a knife or via fire, but he doubted those would work if even bullets couldn't pierce his skin. 

So he threw the stranger on his bed (and upon further reflection, that wasn't a very good idea) instead and plopped down next to him with wary eyes. Bard took a drag from his cigarette before daring to check for breath. Obviously breathing. That thing around his eye though- it was one strange monocle. He yanked it off the other man's face and held it up- the glass was tinted with purple and the handle was white, two buttons adjacent. He placed it on his own eye and was immediately assaulted by a series of symbols flashing by. 

In a fright, Bard dropped it. He poked the stranger's face. How the hell was his skin softer than his own? That was just unfair. Then there was that gravity-defying black hair. He roamed through it- nothing special there, except you guessed it, it was also softer than Bard's own.

No other weapons were on the stranger's person- he'd checked. And the tail was definitely his own. Was he some kind of circus freak? Or was he the legendary missing link? 

Bard was pulled out of his thoughts by a groan. And soon he was face-to-face with the stranger, who'd woken up and yanked Bard down as his first course of action.

"I'm going to kill you," he growled. His eyes were a dark blood red and that did not help.

"Hold up there," Bard said, "don't you wanna know why you can't destroy the Earth?"

"Go on." He didn't look convinced.

"Well, uh, we have beer and smokes and uh, pretty women, lots of steaming, pretty women."

"If you expect me to care about any of those inferior-" _Growl_.

At first, Bard thought he was being growled at. But the noise happened again. The stranger released him and put a hand to his own stomach. It growled once more, a long loud sound. 

"We also have food, I'd get you some, but ya know, you were gonna kill me."

"I take it back, Bardroy. Tell me where to find food." Bard could see a blush on the guy's cheeks. Damn, if he wasn't a hellbent murderer, that'd actually be kind of cute. The farmhand crossed his arms.

"Well, we can't go out with you like that. Take those weird things off and I'll fix you up in my old suit- could be a little-"

Well, the stranger was certainly desperate because he'd already stripped by then, having slid his armor off like it was a flimsy shirt. He unstrapped the gauntlets and stepped out of the boots. Even the pants came off and Bard was left staring at lithe, very pale, very nude body, package and all. The tail swished around the stranger's waist and Bard noted that it was just a little ways above his ass. And that created some awkward imagery in his head.

"- a little small for you. Um, well, you stay here, no light beams or whatever that is, and I'll be right back."

"B- Bardroy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"Eh." He would have said "you're welcome" but that felt wildly inappropriate.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"Sebat."

"Alright, I'll call you Sebastian."

* * *

 

Sebat, or rather "Sebastian," followed Bardroy down to the local town, the human pulling him along here and there. He was in dressed in their native attire, a shirt, jacket, and tie in place- all superfluous in his opinion. He didn't see why they couldn't just march nude. That, and he was starving. Bardroy was also a very slow human- if he didn't need the man's guidance, he would have just flown down there himself.

"This here is a tavern," Bardroy explained, pointing at a wooden establishment with noises emanating from the inside.

He dragged Sebastian in and seated him at the counter. Bardroy lit another of those sticks and sat by him. Hearing all these voices, Sebastian came to the conclusion that there was indeed something wrong with Bardroy's speech pattern. 

"Here, try some gin." Bardroy slid one small glass cup towards him. 

"Where's the food?"

Bardroy chuckled. "Fine, fine, just look up there at the menu and get what you want."

"Anything?"

"Yeah sure, but English food sucks. If we were still in America, I'd tell you what to get."

"Aw, don't put us down, yankee," the bartender said, sliding Bardroy another shot. 

"You... are not English?" Sebastian asked, still staring at the menu.

"Merican. Most definitely not English," the farmhand said with a grin, "used to be ridin' in the wild west. Well, things happen, you know. And here I am now, starting over in mother Britain."

"So you were a failure?"

"Yeah, least I don't beg for food from the people I'm trying to kill," Bardroy hissed.

"Hm."

He was ready to order. He wondered why his order affected Bardroy so much though. All he did was request ten kidney pies, fifteen lambchops, fifty rolls of bread, an indefinite number of biscuits, and twelve orders of fried fish. And that was only for his first round. They'd attracted quite the number of eyes when Sebastian was done feeding, a stack of plates so high on either side of him that they nearly reached the ceiling.

Bardroy looked ready to cry at that point. 

"Oy, Smith, put that on my tab, would ya?"

"That's what ye said last time, yankee."

"Oh- uh, then-" Bardroy rummaged through his pockets before abruptly grabbing Sebastian's hand. He then jumped from his seat, pulling the soldier with him and they ran. The doors slammed shut behind them as Bardroy took off, legs kicking so hard Sebastian thought they'd detach from his body. Behind them, the tavern owner and his posse took chase, red in the face.

Sebastian raised a palm and immediately had it swatted down by Bardroy. "Don't do that!"

"But they're gaining on us. Are you daft?"

"Shit!"

Bardroy continued running and with a sigh, Sebastian left the ground (quite literally), picking the farmhand up by the back of his shirt in the process. Of course, Bardroy screamed. Sebastian hoisted him into his arms and they floated out of the way.

"What the- what the- damn it, why didn't you tell me you could fly!?"

"You never asked."

"Oh. Nevermind! Why can you fly!? What are you supposed to be, Sebastian? A demon!?"

"I believe your dwelling is that way." He turned and flew on, hair gently lifting from his face, "again, you never asked. Bardroy, I am Commander Sebat, on the third tier of Planet Vegeta's army. I was sent here as a scout- if I find nothing of use, I would destroy this planet. And yes, all of our kind can fly."

He chuckled, staring down at the trees, bluish in the night. "And there was indeed nothing useful here."

"So I guess we're all gonna die tonight?" Bardroy asked, "you never even got to try the rum. I used to think explosions were beautiful, you know, but I don't want to be in one, if you know what I mean."

"Surprisingly, I do."

He never even tried the gin, actually. Sebastian pondered- blowing up the Earth wouldn't exactly serve Vegeta's goals and enslaving the population wasn't effective either. The people were rather weak and unimpressive. That and this was Bardroy's home. It had been a long time since anyone had spoken to him without some vague death threat or sense of doom overhead. Maybe just this once, he would leave a planet be.

* * *

Sebastian placed Bard on his feet first before landing gracefully beside him. While the alien (holy shit) tugged at his own clothing to get rid of the wrinkles, Bard looked up at the sky. The stars were actually visible tonight- so Sebat came from somewhere out there. There was an out there, then, and he'd wasted so much of his life in these little places. He yawned. He'd always thought he'd have a more epic death than this. Well, he wouldn't go down without a fight. 

"I'll leave tonight," Sebastian commented, "I'll simply tell them this is a barren rock."

"Won't they find out?"

The alien shrugged. "I can hold my own."

Bard rubbed the back of his head, some strange sense of relief flooding him. "Well, if they're all flying freaks with powers and tails, I wouldn't want you to get blown up, ya know?"

"Why not?"

"Uh... we kinda know each other now. Sides, if you're leaving-"

While Sebastian had been wolfing down the tavern's supply of food, Bard had been drowning their supply of drinks. That didn't make for a good combination. He grabbed Sebastian's tie, placed his hand behind the alien's head, and quite awkwardly pulled the other man into a dip before placing his own messy lips over Sebastian's mouth. 

And oh, it felt wonderful. Soft and warm and sensuous. The best part was that there was no one around to see.

"Bard-" Sebastian gasped.

"Uh- sorry- I..."

"Do it again. I rather enjoyed that."

Well, that was unexpected. Bard grinned. "Sure. On one condition, commander."

"Go on."

"You stay."

"If I say yes, will you do it again?"

Oh, he could do so much more. Bard dipped and kissed him to seal the deal. The Attempted Earthen Conquest of 1889 was way off the mark.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave kudos/comments!
> 
> I hope that was enjoyable and that it was still in-character somehow.


End file.
